An awesome day!

So I am beginning to figure this out! Today was an awesome day. I fit in art, and everything baby and house related, like I usually do, but today went MUCH better than usual. The secret was that I changed the order of operation. Usually I run myself ragged after I commit to a painting during some free time I am able to snag (usually nap time for one, and a little bit of TV time for the other), after the 'free' time is up and craziness ensues, I *usually* try to continue on painting for a little while (or a long while) as to not interfere with some happy momentum I had going. I stress out, rush things, lose concentration and freak out when the end of the day comes, I am sitting in a filthy house with neglected kids and a disaster of a painting. But today, today was different... Hurrah!!

I got up. Got everyone dressed and ready for their day. Packed a lunch, met a friend and took our kids to the park for some fun, fresh air and a picnic. Then came home, cleaned and prepared for dinner (preparing the food and the kitchen in advance was such a huge help!), THEN started painting. After the free time ended (which was shorter than I would have liked) I packed up my stuff and got my 3 year old prepped in the kitchen to help me cook up some vegetable stir-fry. We talked, he cleaned vegetables, Miss Missy watched her favorite movie and then we ate as a family (minus my husband). Then (and this is another critical thing) I cleaned up my entire kitchen in preparation for the morning, sippies and all breakfast goodies ready to go for the AM. Usually, after getting the kids ready for bed, I go right back to art and then at the very end of the night when I am exhausted, I have this big mess to clean up. Not fun. So we also fit in a lot of playing in between and some craft time too. The Matryoshka fabric I ordered for a project for my daughters room came today so we worked on that some too. All in all, what a great day it was!

I started another new painting today, yes, another. Lack of inspiration was never an issue for me. I get an idea and need to work on it immediately. That, in and of itself is half my problem I am sure. I did take some WIP photos and if I get a chance before it's complete, will post them. I vow from here on out to not start another new piece until I complete this one... and the one from my previous post. I have about 5 other half completed things from before that I am just not interested in fussing with so they will probably be held off indefinitely. The half finished painting from my previous post (Cathedral II) I am just totally in a weird place with and am seriously hesitant to even touch it. I have sat on it for too long now and have really grown to know it for what it is. When I left it, over a month ago, I was no where near completing it in my mind. It's really weird to reflect on a painting for so long without touching it. You go back to it, and formulate all kinds of new perspectives on where it should go, and then after even more time passes, you just kind of accept it and learn to love it for what it is. I might even just finish the pattern and leave the rest alone. We'll see I guess. I also have figured some other important things out, just things in general. Lot's of self-reflection has been going on lately.

That's it. Oh, and I asked for a disc/belt sander from my husband for Mother's Day. He informed me that I was crazy, that I was the only girl in the world (not likely though) asking for a power tool for Mother's day, and also dropped a hint that I probably would be getting it. Yay! I am always working on some type of woodworking project around here and it would come in handy for sure! Very soon I plant to build a small desk for my son's room and after that, a square play table and a couple of chairs for my daughter's room.

Okay, just got one child off to bed, and now want to spend some time with my son who is sitting by my side painting a lovely picture for his dad. Then after bedtime, it's back to painting for me.

Bye for now!

Work in Progress - Cathedral II

I spent 5+ hours writing a massive blog post that started simple and morphed into this big long thing. Very much along the lines of my most recent posts. Me just trying to sort through some things. My words were bugging me though. I kept reading them and re-reading them and realized it was serving no good at all, and really lacked any noteworthy content besides a work-in-progress photo of my most recent painting. So here goes.

This is a painting I started over a month ago. It was right before I went on my quest to limit the amount of time that I spend on my art for my sanity's sake. I passed by it today and spent some time really thinking about a lot of things. I want to work on it again soon.


"Cathedral II" work in progress

I will be writing again shortly.

Pandemonium in Wuzzleburg

If you know what I am talking about in my post header (at least the first part) than you just might know all too well...

It's just pure pandemonium in my house. My daughter (16months) is just getting crazier as she get's older. The irony is that my 3 year old is absolutely an angel and listens so well and is such a helpful little guy. My daughter on the other hand, let's just say it's a good thing that she's cute. She clings to my legs shrieking all day long, and I kid not. No one want's to talk to me on the phone because she shrieks like a banshee every time I put my focus elsewhere from her. It's exhausting. And like that isn't draining enough, she can't walk a straight line. I have never seen a child so clumsy, she walks into things all day long. She will be walking along all nicely and then fall over nothing and roll about 20 feet in the most dramatic fashion. My nerves are shot from darting around trying to keep her safe. Exhausting I tell you!

Now that I am done child bashing, it's time to get to the point. I have officially faced the harsh reality that my life is now different. There is just no point any longer in forging ahead with my art at this time. I can't even feel bad about it anymore. The focus required is not humanly possible. I figure I may dabble in it here and there until things ease up around here and then when my son starts preschool at the end of the year maybe I can spend those couple hour chunks of time working, if I can get a sitter for the littlest one that is.

It's not all bad though, I have really really been enjoying the time spent with my kids without all of the sideways thoughts about my art. Plus, the 100% focus on Little Miss Missy offers a wonderful reprieve from the shrieking.

Since I can't do 'art' in my little bursts of quiet time throughout the day, I have turned back to my love for all things crafty. I have been crafting up the place and it's been a blast! I am redoing my kids rooms and giving Little Miss Missy a Matryoshka themed room. Been bringing in lots of fabrics and doing a lot of little woodworkings for her room and for elsewhere around the house. It's been a lot of fun and I am grateful to be in this place in time with my little ones, shrieking and all. ♥♥

Here are some of the little wood houses that I have made for around the house. I have them nestled in our potted plants and perched in a clean neat row on top of my daughters door frame.




The individual houses look adorable when placed in little potted plants (like in the masses of white potted succulents I have around my home)






And like I mentioned earlier, about my daughters room being Matryoshka themed, I have been creating a lot of things to work within that theme. I framed out an area on her lower wall and created a little magnetic blackboard space for to play with. I made these large babushka doll wood magnets in different styles to work within that space.






That's all for now, I hope all is well with all of you and that you are enjoying this beautiful weather, it's wonderful to actually have a Spring this year here in PA and I hope your weather is just as lovely!!

I have some of these piece available in an alternate Etsy shop. You can find them at saysthetree.etsy.com

my course ... part I

Disclaimer: What you are about to read is lengthy and most might find boring. It's broken in thought and might be disjointed at times. It will come in parts. I have made such a point to only write when I have a new painting or burning to share, in typical me fashion, not really divulging much of anything else. I just want to begin to share the process of what, why and how.... I want to share bits of my journey, and resources I have found along the way that have helped form who I am today when it comes to art.

***

As we know, I do not have a degree in art and have never been to art school. I started drawing when I was a young child and filled book after book with drawings. The earliest I can really remember taking it seriously (or what I thought to be serious at the time) I was probably around 8. I had a very large Disney book and I would draw every single character on every single page and this was a LARGE book. I ended up with a hundred or so drawings. I remember taking that Disney book and my drawing book everywhere with me. The first time I brought my books to my grandmothers house and showed her I remember how impressed she was. She asked me if I had traced them. I insisted I did not, and she didn't appear to believe me. That frustrated me and even at that young age, it motivated me. Lots of random drawing and observing ensued in the following years. Fast forward to age 19. I was living in my first apartment and after work I would come home and paint. I started with acrylic paintings because it was accessible and seemed easiest from the perspective of knowing nothing about anything about painting. My first painting was a large abstract style bonsai tree. I hung it proudly above my dining room table and thought it was fantastic. A friend of mine offered me $75 for it and I chose to keep the painting. Sadly I think it had gotten thrown out, along with almost every other early painting or drawing that I ever made. I would hit hard into a stint of frustration, where I hated everything I had ever done and became my own worst critic. This all sourced from my early studies of "real" art. I was on this mission (though at the time, I didn't view it like that, it was more of just interest) of absorbing and really understanding art. What makes for a successful piece? What aspects and what criteria does an artwork need to strike or fulfill for the piece to be effective? Why are the Masters the Masters? Why were all of these masterful pieces so different? What should one try to say in their work... is art creating a "pretty" piece, something someone would want above the dining room table, like a vase of flowers? Is art creating a subject that looks as realistic as a photo? Is art something that needs to be bold... does art need to be "contemporary"? Does all art need to be huge, or can there be beautiful little works in the small format? What constitutes success?

I spent many years reading books, reading about the masters to start. I would spend hours in the art aisle of bookstores trying to identify... browsing the different worlds of different artists, many unknown to me, and see if something would strike me and make me feel a certain way. I came across a large book called "Anatomy for the Artist" 142 full-page plates by Jeno Barcsay. Here is a link to it from Amazon Books What followed is what began and ended almost 10 years prior. I got a new empty drawing book and drew so many of the images that I found in the book. If a few weeks would go by and I would skim back through my pages and think that I could draw something better, I would. So the same image would show up numerous times, being improved upon each time, even if in just the slightest of ways. This book was amazing to me. I remember having the thought that I would learn about the human form from the inside out. That if you had a good working knowledge of what was happening on the inside with the skeletal system, muscles, tendons... that you would have a better understanding of movement and shape of the exterior. This was important to me.

At age 23 (seven years ago) I was living in my first house. I can't pinpoint the year when I really started to change, but if I had to go back, this would be the year. Growing up I was never really into the average stuff that kids were. Sure, I had friends but I never got close to anyone, especially girls. As I got older I had a little crew of guy friends who I remained close with because those relationships were easy for me. Guys never really got in your business and they were easy friendships to have. However, I had a really great life growing up and was very close with my family. When I was 23ish I hit a stage, and I can't even put it into words because I don't remember so great what I was feeling. I do remember wanting to be alone. I wasn't interested in chit-chat and I never felt like talking (traits that are still with me). I was not depressed, I was very happy actually, I just wanted to be alone. I went up to my loft after work and would paint. I disliked my job (I was an optician and lab tech cutting prescriptions into eye glass lenses) Though it wasn't so much the job itself that I didn't like, more the anger that I had to be there working when I wanted to be home painting and drawing. So I had the idea to put my first painting up on Ebay. It was a 24x30 acrylic of a woman (it was a self portrait of sorts, but I did not advertise that) I started it at $24. It sold for $78 and some change. I was surprised, happy and uncomfortable all at the same time. I couldn't believe that someone would want to hang something of mine on their wall. This was the beginning of mild success selling my art and what I look at now as a downward spiral. I started seeing art as money. That wasn't conducive to one finding their own voice and embracing art for what it really is. I turned to painting "pretty" pictures. I turned to painting cats. I turned to painting large abstract trees. I turned to painting large and *gulp* bright and COLORFUL contemporaries. They sold. I was positively reinforced and kept on along. Aware that I was making money, but still somewhere even in the smallest sliver, that I had no voice... that I wasn't really saying anything at all.

I hung around ebay for awhile and then stumbled into the world of ACEO's. These little (2.5" x 3.5") works of art selling for big bucks. I couldn't paint that small, because honestly, I wasn't a painter. I wasn't really anything. If I had to choose my best medium, it was pencil. It was what I was doing all along, and it came from a real place. So I started creating pencil drawing ACEO's. I did a series called "The Truth About Humans". One morning around 7am, I was next door babysitting, and while the kids were still sleeping I had my ipod on while drawing, a Govinda track came on and it was "Truth about Humans". I am not the best at describing the different music genres so I can't even begin to explain as to what style of music that Govinda is. It was from their O' Earthly Gods album which I am not seeing in their site (?). Love it though. You would have to hear it to understand. Very metaphysical. So that is where the name of the series came from. There were 20 total drawings in the series. They were of women who depicted various emotions. Resilience, Restraint... you get the picture. I also had a thing for depicting sad female figures. I never showed anyone my art besides my immediate family members, pretty much just my mom and my sister. My mom on numerous occasions questioned what I was doing. Why were the girls in my drawings so sad? She started out being proud of my art and I could see she was now embarrassed by this new found emotion and likely wouldn't be showing off my stuff (which I hated anyway) anymore at that point. You go through these times in your life when interactions happen with people who are important to you and if they are deep enough, and strike the right chord, they have the ability to stay with you forever. This was one of those things that has stayed with me. If there was an inkling of me willing to share my art with other people, that was now completely gone. I didn't want to explain myself. I didn't want to have to convince people that I wasn't sad and I didn't want people judging me. I already was a private person to begin with. I believe now that all of that depicted sadness was a way for me to explore the boundaries of being human, trying to find a way to strike a comfortable balance. I believe that through those years I have slowly begun to develop the ability to depict the presence of emotion, and to do so in a more graceful and less extravagant way.

Another moment that had a monumental impact on the growing sore spot was one evening I had come home from work and noticed that my husband (who was just my boyfriend at the time) had his friends over. When I got upstairs I heard that they were all in the loft. My loft. The place where I keep all of my art. My art that clearly leads people to judge me, to question me, and I barely even knew these people. I was shocked and sick over it. I don't remember how I handled it, I really don't. What I do know is that I presented all of my work as practice pieces, just little bits of trash that I was hanging on to and playing around with. One of his friends insisted that if the paintings were to go in the trash that he wanted one or two. I didn't know what to say. I let him take them and it messed with me everyday for a long time. I didn't like those paintings, it wasn't a lie. I didn't want them hanging on someones wall. I didn't want to know that for however long that those paintings were (or forbid, still are) displayed that they are associated with me. Dramatic? I don't know. I do know that I wanted them to stay in my loft. I do know that I wanted to have my own control over the things that I put out into the universe and that day I felt very out of control and pressured. These few things have had a big part in shaping who I am today. I have accounts on social sites, like facebook for example, where the people who know me in real life don't even know about my art. I make no mentions of it. I would rather that no one knows about what I do. Art is very personal and it just opens you up for dissection, I would rather leave that dissection to strangers.

While I feel valid in my interest of being private and my commitment to my journey of being the best I can be, I am disappointed in some of my behavior, the behavior that came along with the package of insecurity that I purchased at some point. I spent the better part of today digging through every space that I have and the three computers I own to find any visual image of the hundreds of paintings or drawings that I have created over these last few years. Gone (in my defense, the majority of images were on a computer that went down, lesson to all, back your files) They are strong in my memory though but I would have loved to share them here. I think it would be healing to share some of these images... I would show the ones that have embarrassed me, the bits of "trash" that I gave away or threw away, the pieces that I am proud of, the pieces that were turning points for me, the ones where I learned even a simple fundamental, all of these pieces were important. I know I am going to be creating art until the day I die, it is in me and I can't get rid of it (and I have tried too) so I will make right with this, I am beginning to realize the importance of embracing this process and save my work, if only for my kids to be able to look back.

With each child (now ages 3 and 1) I have decided to quit. I felt that I needed to focus 100% on them. I, for a long time, felt the guilt and failure that comes with the perceived notion of devoting too much time to my art and not enough time to my kids. Never really succeeding with the arts, and feeling like a failure to your kids is enough to send you on a wayward path. I can't get away though. Art makes me feel human and it makes me feel like me. My kids are loved more than any kids on this planet and are absolutely well cared for. I believe strongly that, of my family, I am the only person feeling the sting of juggling the two worlds and I choose to continue on this way. A very wise friend and artist who I have met while selling online has given me a very valuable perspective that I failed to see... I am teaching my kids the importance of determination and importance of working hard for something that you believe in. This bit of information means a lot to me and keeps me on course while juggling my love for my family, which is always my priority, with my love for my art and the importance of continuing on my journey.

more to come...

portrait I & sanctuary

I am of few words today so I am going to make this quick. Two new smaller sized pieces are complete and available.

Portrait I
6" x 8"






Sanctuary
8" x 8"

untitled III

Untitled III is a 16x20 mixed media figurative. I took a couple of work-in-progress photos and will share them as well. As I mentioned before, I am not as comfortable working in a larger format. I have been woodburning consistently for so many years now that seeing in the small format is what makes sense to me. It's a nice experience working larger and it's an even nicer experience getting back to figurative work.



I started this one like I do the rest, with a large wash of white casein. I use only casein paint, and only white. The rest is done in pencil and again with this piece, I added in the Japanese Kitakata paper.



The first time I used this paper was in the "How to Disappear Completely II" piece. I used it because I was having a hard time getting the level of interest I wanted with just the casein paint and graphite. Then that feeling cropped up again and I felt like the "Untitled II" piece would benefit since there was such a large expanse of empty space. Now I use it because I love it. It is so fun to work with and I love the effects you get after working through the different processes. I really enjoy the sculptural quality of it and also the effect that comes with peeling off layers. Like in that gray space over her shoulder to the right side.



I spent 15 working hours on this one, and made so many changes that one after another affected the next step. It was overwhelming to me because I found often that I would fall in love with a space and then I just couldn't make it work later on and had to take it away. Like in the 3rd WIP photo below. Her dark sleeve. I wanted to keep that sleeve. I really wanted to keep that sleeve. I kept trying to make the areas around it work and it wasn't happening. I wanted to keep it so bad that I took it away, brought it back, took it away, tried to bring it back, and then off it went again.

(these three WIP photos were taken within the first 3 hours)


Another really strong feeling that comes through in this process (as opposed to the structured Pyrography works) that I am definitely not used to, is when is enough enough? At what point did you satisfy whatever it is you are trying to satisfy? Did you say what you wanted to say? If I keep on going am I going to make one of those crucial changes that morphs everything I just did, and all of the parts that I love so much into something that I feel is now ineffective? That happened a lot, and I found myself getting gun shy towards the end. Just like with the previous few mixed media pieces I have done, I did eventually get to a point where I felt satisfied. I still had the urge to do more and maybe make some changes... it's just a strange environment. You look at something for so long, and so deeply, that you just don't "see" it anymore. You can't see it superficially, and I think you need to see it superficially at times.

The last big revelation I had was that I didn't devote enough time into the drawing process early on. I went right to pushing around the paint and adding in the paper to please the big picture aspect, and then somewhere in the middle couldn't figure out why I felt like it just wasn't working. When I realized that I didn't focus enough on the small details and that she wasn't defined like she should have been, I spent another hour or so on her, then when I went back to the big details it flowed much better.



I am not abstract. There is no part about my person that is abstract. My brain doesn't work like that and if it doesn't make sense and it's not something that I can look at and touch, I can't get it. There are some abstract aspects here, and that was a stretch for my instinct, but it was good. All of these things were good.

tree woodburning - work in progress

{Update 1/28/10 - I have not gotten back to this piece yet. I have since started two other woodburnings (I know, I know) and numerous other paintings but I am sure I will come back around to this one someday}

Here is a new tree burning that I started a couple of weeks ago, only got about an hour into it then. I spent about 4 more hours on it last night. Like I have mentioned before, I have no great intentions of the end result when I start something new. I sanded up my wood (a beautiful piece of baltic birch that I wet sanded to a buttery soft surface) and then sketched out a tree, then started burning. I don't do preliminary sketches or anything like that anymore. I am a terrible with sketches because I always end up detailing them out and then when I go to start the actual piece it always looks totally different anyway.



5 hours later, I now have some ideas swirling around about what I want to happen with the underground area but that will probably change many times over by the end. One thing I always find exciting about working on my tree's is how they tend to "grow" themselves. I draw in one little split in the wood and that spirals into a whole web of roots and new details. I usually like to save the winding detail for the root area but I got a little ahead of myself last night and it just kind of took off in it's own direction. I find the artery effect in the trunk rather interesting though. After looking at it with fresh eyes this morning I really think that I need to keep some shell of the tree visible somewhere, but I think I may have already took off too much. The right side of the tree I can probably beef back up and give a heavier feel of exterior bark which would be nice.

It's a rather large woodburning for me, sizing in at 10" x 12". It is one of the larger ones I will be doing to date. With the amount of detail that I think is going to end up going into this one, it will probably take another month or so if I work strictly on this piece and not try to squeeze in some smaller paintings (which I probably will).



I will update here with new photos after each round of working so check on back to follow the course of this piece. Also, please don't let the coloring and contrast of my photos hold too much weight, photographing pyrography pieces and getting them to look even remotely accurate in coloring has always been a challenge for me so I won't be spending too much time on editing the WIP photos.

I won't be working tonight but hope to spend a few more hours tomorrow night so look for updates shortly. Have a safe and happy New Years Eve!!